标签： 笑话

81、The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste.
口腔体温计和肛门体温计有啥不同？尝尝看就知道了

82、I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
啊我好爱好爱工作啊~ 工作让我好着迷啊~我死盯着它几个小时了！

83、We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
枪支管理不是问题，SB管理才是问题

84、Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower.
女人总是能击中男人的要害。

85、To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
别人是指哪儿打哪儿，你是打哪儿指哪儿。

86、Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.
上帝是爱你的，只是其他人都觉得你2B而已

87、I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
a. 过去老子左右为难。现在老子优柔寡断。
b. 我曾是个怀疑论者，现在我很怀疑这一点。
c. 过去我难以决断，现在我不大确信是否还是如此。

88、I don’t trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn’t die.
老子打死都不信流血5天还不挂的物种。/老子打死都不信娘们儿。

89、If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
直译：如果你始终脚踏实地，那就别想穿裤子了。
意译：人太老实没法活。

90、Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
有些人说他能通灵，有些人说他有阴阳眼，其他人只是不像他们这样爱做白日梦

61、My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
心理医师：你神经病！！！ 我：能说点别的吗？
心理医师：好！！你还特丑！！！

62、 A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
一单纯傻儿子问他爹：“爸，结婚到底要花多少钱啊？”他爸说：“儿啊，我真不知道…没看见我还在交钱吗？”

63、 Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
有人说“打不过，就合作”。我说“打不过，也要打”。因为他们也以为你会加入，给丫的来点惊喜~！

64、When in doubt, mumble.
搞不清情况的时候，你可以回复“呵呵”

65、I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
我决定要长生不老，目前为止，一起顺利。

66、Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were
好客就是：让客人觉得他们像在他们家一样，尽管你真的希望他们滚回他们家。

67、If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you!
跳伞是这样一种运动：不成功则成仁！

68、A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
电视侮辱你的智商，电脑则是吐你槽的终极存在！

69、Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
知识就是力量，力量让人堕落。那么就好好学习当大魔王吧！

70、Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
钱买不来幸福，但有了它，痛苦的日子会好熬一点。

41、 God must love stupid people. He made SO many.
上帝一定倍儿爱SB，不然他怎么会造这么多！！！！！！！

42、The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
小腿上的胫骨能帮你在黑屋子里快速找到家具的位置。
意译：不撞不知道，一撞嗷嗷叫。

43、The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
圣诞老人当然美，他知道所有YD妞住哪儿啊！

44、To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
剽窃一个人的叫剽窃，剽窃许多人的叫研究。
意译：窃钩者诛，窃国者侯。

45、Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
有些人一来大家就开心；有些人一走大家就开心。

46、 I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
我发现，我滴脚丫被一小片儿海藻擦过时，我滴那个惨叫声——和我被大白鲨吓坏时的惨叫声是一样滴。

47、Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
直译：你若是挤满人的电梯里的小矮人，肯定能嗅出不同的味儿。
意译：灵感来自于所站的角度与众不同。

48、I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
我可没怨你！我是在谴责你！

49、 Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?
当我填表的时候，有一项是“紧急情况联系：” 我填上了“医生”，到时候我妈能帮上什么忙？！

50、Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
如果女人能做到以秃顶和啤酒肚在大街上晃还觉得自己倍儿性感——此时估计男女能平等。